Back to the beginning

To understand where I'm at now, you have to understand where I came from.

I'm small town, y'all. :-p Grew up in a teeny tiny Texas town, where you were considered succesful if you made it through high school without getting knocked up. You are polite as sin and never let the people outside of you house know the drama that may be going on inside. You are cookie cutter.

But I had great parents. Parents who always encouraged me to be me and to accomplish whatever goals I wanted. I was lucky in that I was smart. Going to college was always my goal. In my adolescent brain it was "Don't get pregnant, go to college, get a good job, find love along the way". College and being successful were always the goal. I'm honestly not sure if this was put into my brain by my parents (both whom only have their hs diplomas) or if there was just this natural propensity for me to want to aim for independence. Ask my mother, she'll say I was always like this. Once I learned to speak, she claims I was always saying "No, I'll do it myself".

Ask friends from this time period and they'll tell you I was a sweetheart who didn't let people mistreat others. I had this wierd need for fairness and equality. I've always been a helper, a counselor, the person you go to in times of crisis. It's how I  ended up with my first boyfriend at the age of 16, who happened to be physically abused by his step-father.That was the relationship that I was in for 7 years off and on. He (henceforth known as Javelina) was my first everything, is now a great guy, but someone who has his own issues as a survivor of that abuse. Now that I look back at it, we were just happy enough and lazy enough that there was someone there, that we never stopped to examine if we actually loved each other in that way.

But I did manage to get my degree. And I started my career path. I was SO focused on that aspect of my life, I think I just expected someone to come along and sweep me off my feet and away from the sweet but damaged man I was with. That didn't happen. Instead, my career grew and Javelina and I became further and further disconnected. Our ending wasn't tragic, there was some anger on both parts but to this day we still check in with a "Hello", we realize we were part of what formed us into the people we are today.

That relationship ended 4 years ago. I've dated regularly, but have only had 1 major relationship sinceand one 'pseudo-relationship' that ended recently that I'm still processing. That is the relationship that I think taught me the most about myself and what I'm willing to live with and what I truly want from a man. I know I want a functioning adult relationship, not a casual fling or a random jump-off. I want an equal and someone who considers me a priority in his life.

At times I can't tell if I've become too 'set in my ways' to be open to love or if I'm just being realistic....I guess we shall see.